I can’t take all the blame, now can I
It takes more than one to lose such a fine line
That lies between, that holds together
I’ll turn the night to turn the tide, oh! …
I
am out of my comfort zone.
For weeks now,
I’ve been in a state of confusion. I’ve gone through being happy and sad,
certain and befuddled, altruistic and envious. No, this is not mood swings
taking hold of me. It’s definitely something else.
My world, which
I deemed secure and familiar albeit predictable, is now an unchartered territory
where night is day, pain is joy, and lust masquerades (skillfully so) as love.
Eros, my fair
weather friend, thought it funny to play a trick on me and maim (yes, MAIM) me
with his arrow. I would have welcomed his attempt to jump start my discharged
heart had it not been for the fact that the arrow he used to provide power to this
“non-starting vehicle”, is the same arrow he aimed at me many moons ago.
Is Eros
recycling? Could it be that he has run out of arrows for me?
And I’m, findin’ out the hard way
It’s gonna take some tears
A little bit of heartache
We’re like islands in the stream
Watchin’ all our dreams start to fade
Fadin’ away …
If it seems like
I’m making use of hieroglyphs, bear with me. I’m not making sense, I know.
Maybe it’s because there are no words to express what I’m feeling right
now. The closest thing to describe what
I’m going through is this old Cynthia Rhodes song.
I ask myself if I’m
really willing to, as Bamboo sings, “pay the price, lose it all, take the fall,
and let it ride.” My mind, my faculty of thinking and reasoning, appears to
have gone on hiatus, as it draws a blank and lets my delusional heart have its
way.
After all, the
heart wants what it wants and it’s been a long time since it demanded something
for itself.
One of life’s ironies
is that with ethereal bliss sometimes comes pure torture, sheer pain in its
rawest, most brutal form.
So yes, once
again, I’m finding out the hard way. It’s so inevitable.
A moment gone is gone forever
It’s like water through your hands
And you go spin the wheel of misfortune
Watchin’ in turn, with livin’ you learn
And oh!
Isn’t it lamentable
to be waiting for that opportune time to create that perfect moment, only to have that
moment pass you by?
In my case, that
moment has passed. Our moment has passed. Long ago. Years ago. It’s long gone, buried
beneath sands of time, peals of laughter, torrents of tears.
As Cynthia
Rhodes so eloquently puts it: a moment gone is gone forever.
Sadly,
I know this to be true.
I keep reachin’ out
I’ve come up empty handed
And then I let you down
But then I leave you stranded
Maybe it’s
madness…
Maybe it’s
hopelessness…
Maybe it’s fate…
Maybe it’s fear…
Maybe I’m settling…
Maybe I’m yearning…
I don’t know.
All I know is
that life is never easy, much so the affairs of the heart.
Even as new
connections have been forged, and bridges have been created and are about to be
crossed, the chances of this working out is pretty much the same as that of a
snowball in hell. But bliss, no matter how fleeting, is still bliss, and I will
not deny my heart that.
And I’m, findin’ out the hard way
It’s gonna take some tears
A little bit of heartache
We’re like islands in the stream
Watchin’ all our dreams
Start to fade, fade away …
This is my life’s greatest irony: to have my past manifest itself in the
present without the promise of a future.
There’s no need
to tell me “I told you so”. Truth be told, apart from the lessons to be
learned, and the memories to be kept, all my expectations have been exhausted. I
know better than to expect anything more when nothing’s left.
